“Did some force take you because I didn’t pray?”

https://open.spotify.com/track/0BiqmkasE5FdrChwKfVp8X?si=2ftf4JpqTB2IfVBopY4qZw

TW // mention of death.

The earth is still red and wet with acid rain the moment I come.

I don’t see flowers other than a bouquet of white roses my family put on his tombstone. Even the flowers feel like it’s only mandatory, and seems like they were placed against their will. If they could, they would pick anywhere else but this man’s grave.

But he wasn’t just someone. He was my muse.

My heart breaks in ways I had never encountered before, and to this day, I still don’t know how to process it. I could not shed a tear, but it felt like my heart is screaming to a void with no end. All of my heart was emptied to the point that it felt like I had nothing and yet they still asked for more, and they started to rip things apart from its place—and now I have less than nothing.

I hated him. So much, that at one point I wanted him dead. Have you ever heard of that one song that says *“be careful with what you’ve wished for”?*This is one of those moment. I partly blamed myself for ever speaking that kind of wish before, because when the universe actually gave it to you, it turned out to be hell. You’ll wish for the pain to stop only for it to be doubled, tripled, and lasts forever. Maybe I should’ve wish for his second chance instead. Maybe, I should’ve wished for his redemption.

“Miles…”

I close my eyes when that voice brings me back to earth. That voice is the only reminder that I’m still living on this earth, that I’m not in hell. Among all the tainted souls that were buried in this land, I feel like she’s purifying me. From all the dark thoughts I was about to give into.

Only to remember that the universe also did take her away from me. Took it a death for them to let me borrow her for a second.

“I know it will take forever for you to forgive what he did, if never. But in a part of his forever, he was your muse. I hope you take that part into consideration, to at least ease the burden of yours a little bit.”

I hold her hand, and she squeezes mine. In between all the dark feelings I have inside of me, her touch sends some kind of… I don’t know, mercy? The love she introduced to me was the kind that serves to its true purpose, but I’m not sure if I would be able to yield such power. I’m not sure if I’d be able to forgive this man for every pain he caused in me and my mother—for making me losing my muse; which was him.

Did he also lose himself the way I lost him?

“Can I choose not to forgive him, Ce?”

“Sure, you can. It’s all up to you, Miles,” she answers as she leans her head on my arm. “But will you be able to sleep at night? You don’t have to carry that pain all your life, you can bury it here with him. Don’t carry the darkness with you.”

The sky pours its rain down again, and for the first time in life, I pray. I don’t know if it’s ever too late—but if Heaven could hear me, I hope they know that I will try to forgive him someday in this lifetime, so I hope They will forgive him, too.