“I’d rather see the ocean once in a lifetime; and miss it for the rest of my days—than never feel the sand beneath my naked feet and never hear the sound of breaking waves.”

https://open.spotify.com/track/1BKIVzzd2dK1C1QNjcFwq8?si=YBcPEHZfQ7qZD_WC_4HBxw

Night falls as I’m staring at the koi bunch in the ponds. The sound of the water feels like a somber soundtrack to the memories I keep replaying inside my head.

When I was little, I had koi ponds in our house, too. My dad taught me all of the knowledge since he did a lot of business trip, so it became my kind of homework to take care of them whenever he’s out of town.

At first, his business trip took around three to four days. And then a week, then a month. After a while, he didn’t come home until I graduated from my high school—by then all the kois were dead, so was my faith in him.

That’s when I met Oceanna and her whole family. Padre and Madre took me in instantly—as if me being in their life was a natural thing. Felt like a fate when I saw the koi pond inside their house; and how Padre admired me for all my extensive knowledge about them. That’s when we became best friend, I think. When he put two more kois and named them Miles and Oceanna, I felt like I was given a second chance at happiness.

My dad’s absence started to feel like a new normal in my life. I moved out the house after I entered college, and found out that mom reconciled with him. The man started to show his true colors, then; he tried hard to repair his relationship with me and yet he also kept on ruining every bridges. At the end of the day, I did him a favor by burning all remaining bridges instead of meeting halfway and mend. And now I’m asking myself whether I should’ve not done that. Maybe if I met him halfway, he’d change. Maybe it was my fault after all.

“Miles, dinner’s ready. I made you your favorite yong tau fu.”

Oceanna’s voice ends the movie inside my head. I stay still in my position, and when she doesn’t see my moving, she walks towards me and takes a seat on my right side.

“What are you thinking about?”

“The koi ponds. It’s full of life here… While on my house it’s dry and lifeless. I wonder what did I do wrong that I don’t deserve a pond full of life, but maybe that’s just a fate I have to accept, right, Ce?”

“Miles… I don’t like you like this.”

“Like what?”

“It’s not the koi pond that’s lifeless, it’s you. You’re usually full of life, and I know you just lost your father, but you don’t have to die with him. You have a whole life to live.”

“You don’t like me either way, so why should I?”

“Seriously?” Oceanna scoffs at my remarks, and she inhales a deep breath before she counters my words. “I know you’re stupid, but I didn’t know you’re this dense. I fuckin like you since high school, Miles.”

I’m trying to catch some sense of hesitation between her voice, but cannot find any. “I’ve been telling myself otherwise.”

“And why is that?”

“I don’t feel like I’m deserving of you, Ce. I may appear like I’m the bravest kid, but deep down I’m always doubtful of myself. Of the world. Of how fast it would take for people to change—so it’s just best for me to keep taking the short drive, instead of finding a real destination and settle down. I leave people first before they leave me. It’s… easier that way.”

“So you don’t believe me?”