“I had a feeling so peculiar, that this pain wouldn’t be for evermore." taylor swift — evermore

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Wlq9rqkxrqj5Kls4Kw14H?si=Ogp_7dYeRDOM1ddtjaK-HQ

Jakarta’s air is a bit cold that night, but just perfect. It was raining heavily this morning so the scent of water is still in the air somehow. Haven unknowingly brushes her arms, and Ramiel notices it. He takes off his jacket and put it on her shoulder. “Don’t catch a cold.”

“Thanks.”

Silence lingers as two of them are still trying to make peace with their own heartbeats. Somehow Haven feels like he’s just the same Ramiel she knows, yet at the same time he’s also changed. She can’t quite put her finger on it, but something definitely happened.

“So…” Haven looks at him, and Ramiel looks back at her. The same fiery eyes, but more tender. “Will you now tell me everything?”

“I’m sorry. I know I say it for like thousand times already and it may lose its meaning somehow… But truly, deeply, sincerely, sorry. For whatever shit I’ve put you through. You didn’t deserve that, and yet I still did it anyway. I have no excuse for that and I would understand even if you don’t forgive—”

“I forgive you, Ram.” Haven cuts Ramiel off, and she can see him falters a little bit. “I think I always do, even from the very beginning when you shouted at my attempt to fill your empty fridge. I just needed time away from you for a while to figure out what I wanted.”

Ramiel stares at the scene in front him; city lights are blinking from afar, indicating lives of hundreds, maybe thousands, are still trying to finish the day. “As shitty as it may sound, but the London trip was exactly what I needed to figure out what I wanted, too. I realized that I might have not dealt with everything properly—and while I felt that, I saw that everyone there carried on with their lives. Everyone but me. I’m still trying to find answers, closure maybe, as to why things happened the way it did. Was it my fault? Was I forgiven?

“Yet I found out that… I think, somehow, Eden knew that she wouldn’t be around that long. I found a journal of hers and I remembered she talked about death a lot back then. As if she’s trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I still have difficulties to accept the way she’d gone, I think it’s cruel and she didn’t deserve that—but I hope she’s at peace now. That’s the only consolation I could give myself.”

Haven extends her hand and let their fingers intertwined after what feels like decades. Her heart aches just the same; and she hopes he can feel that too. That he doesn’t have to be alone in this.

“She left something behind, Ven.”

“What is that?”

Ramiel’s eyes flicker with memories, a part of it is wrapped in love and others with agony. “Her eyes. She donated them. I’ve found the donor and I was about to meet them—but then I realized, it could’ve been worse for us. It may give some sense of closure to me but I kept on asking myself, do I really need it? I don’t think I’m ready yet. Then, I decided to go home. I decided to go to the living. I decided that my journey trying to make sense of death is done now. And when I saw Julius in your apartment… I thought I’ve lost you.”

Haven feels tears in her eyes. “It hurts that you thought of me that way, Ram.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Ramiel shoots an apologizing look at Haven. “I should’ve realized that you’re blessed with amazing friends. Things I never had before. I know that they love you and care about you just as much.”

Haven suddenly remembers something. “And what is it with you and Om Adrian?”

“Haven, Om Adrian itu alumni kampusku. He came few times to give some lectures during my days in law school. I haven’t told you this, maybe you just heard few things from Dara, but my career was hanging by a thread. And while we’re apart I was trying to fix it too. I want to make myself worthy enough for you.”

“What did you do?”

“I resigned,” answers Ramiel with a sense of pride glaring on his expression. “Om Adrian gave me some good advice, and I’m looking into becoming a judge now. I’ll need to go back to law school, and to have some more experience; but I think I have a newfound purpose in life now. I’m done trying to make the bad guys win—I want to be the one who puts them in jail.”