“Take all of me deep to where your secrets hide, where we’ve been a thousand times.” 5 Seconds of Summer - Lover of Mine

https://spotify.link/5AU8RoT8PDb

Haven freezes when she sees Ramiel accross the road, with his pajamas and disheveled hair, forgetting to put on his slippers while carrying Loony on his right hand. She runs accross the road and before Haven even says anything, Ramiel pulls her into his embrace.

“Please don’t leave. Don’t do this to me. Let me know if you need your space but don’t leave me without a word, without goodbye.” He whispers as he kisses the top of Haven’s head. She nods. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Ramiel strokes her cheek, trying to find her eyes just to make sure she still looks at him with the same adoring gaze. “I’m sorry if I’m not trying hard enough.”

“No, don’t say that,” Haven feels as if her heart’s been ripped apart upon hearing those words came out of Ramiel. “Let’s go inside, okay? I’m not gonna leave you. I’ll stay.”

“Her name was Eden.

We met during our sophomore year, and suddenly everything made sense. I stopped hating my father for sending me that far just to learn some laws. I stopped hating my mother and start sympathizing with her coz apparently, I grew softer and softer. On our second anniversary, she found a house of her dream and we bought it. It was a small house, really small; but it had a kitchen that overlooked a garden and it seemed enough for her.”

“How was she? How did she look like?”

Ramiel smiles as he tries to recall his memories; but his voice falters the moment he remembers. “If spring was a person, it’s her. She’s so small, really small that I always lost her in a crowd. She had short hair and freckles all over her face. When she laughed it sounded like liquid gold. She really liked to cook, and she always —she loved to—” suddenly it’s hard for him to catch his breath. Haven pulls him closer. “It’s okay. You can stop anytime you want.”

“No, I want to tell you everything before I leave. But bear with me —it’s really hard. I… I never spoke to anyone about this. You‘re the only person I’d tell this story to.”

Haven feels like he will fall apart anytime soon —but maybe this is what he needs.

“We have a small fridge; and it’s always full. All the time. Sometimes it‘s so full that it didn’t function properly, so I had to get it fixed a few times. She loved to fill up the fridge —and later I realized, she filled it with all of my favorite things. My favorite snacks, my favorite fruits and veggies, my favorite frozen pizza. She taught me to eat healthy, to cook healthy food that still tasted delicious. And it’s always my favorite time of the day.”

“One day… My car broke down. I didn’t know what happened exactly, but she broke it when she went to the farmer’s market without me. I… I got angry, somehow, because I was supposed to go in a road trip and I had to find another car. It was my favorite car, the car I bought with my own money and it wasn’t even a nice car. I didn’t talk to her when I left. I knew she felt guilty —and she tried to fix it on her own. That’s —that’s when it—” Ramiel tries to refrain himself from breaking down but it’s painful —too painful. The memories come back flooding and he forgets how gut-wrenching it was. He still remembers vividly when he was called to the ER only to find Eden on her deathbed, cold and blue. She didn’t have any bruises or scars on her, she was perfect —but she was gone.

The love of his life was gone.

“I wanted to die. I tried to; but even death didn’t want me. Maybe the universe thought death would be too easy of a punishment for me, so just live. Live with lifetime guilt, lifetime agony. Live while you’re dead inside.”

Haven wants to cry.

“The worst part was, even her family forgave me. Her family still loved me, even after I took away their only daughter. Her brother still contacts me from time to time, asking how I’m doing. Her mother sends me her homemade jam that I could never eat —coz it tasted exactly like she made it. You think I was staying alive because I wanted to? No, Haven. I lived because I wanted to carry on with my punishment. To live with this endless agony. Alone.”

Haven pulls Ramiel in and envelopes him in the warmest hug she can possibly give. A hug that she hopes will mend all the broken bones, that will glue him whole again. Hug that tells him it was never his fault. She just wants to hug him tight until he’s no longer hurting.