“Torn down, full of aching Somehow our youth will take the blame, worn out, the way we let it stay.” Carry You, Novo Amor.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0u4rkpmNtgcFxYHepnVF4v?si=Ad-fzl5VQpCFokJimy3vOQ

Julius and Haven had been friends for so long that sometimes they’re on each others’ heads. Haven’s mind is so complicated sometimes, and it’s Julius’ task to break it down for Gala and Tania to understand. Julius is like a big brother she never had, and he takes a really good care of her until she met Ramiel last year. Ramiel, her very first boyfriend.

“Garage lagi rame banget ngga, Jul? Sorry banget jadi harus nyempetin buat benerin Harvey,” Haven opens the convo after they’re ordering their lunch. Julius scoffs. “You still talk as if we’re acquintances.”

“Well… Ramiel selalu ngomel kalo gue terlalu ngerepotin lu.”

Wajah Julius mengeras sekilas, sebelum dia kembali ke mode santainya. “Nah, it’s okay. I know you longer than he does anyway.”

“Ntar kalo lu punya pacar trus dia keberatan ama gue bilang aja ya Jul, daripada huru hara.”

“If she can’t join the circle like Tania, I’m good with being single,” Julius menyalakan rokoknya, separuh menunggu Haven untuk memulai apapun yang ingin dibicarakannya. He swears he could see bubbles above Haven’s head, swirling around carrying questions and confusion. “So, what is it?”

“It’s just…” Haven fiddles with her necklace, a habit she possesses whenever she has too much in her mind. “Tadi pagi gue ngalamin sesuatu yang nggak enak, sih. Gabisa dibilang berantem juga, cuman… I was hurt. By his action.”

Rahang Julius mengeras lagi, but he tries his best to mask it. “What did he do?”

“Gatau, ga jelas banget triggernya. I was just asking permission to fill up his fridge coz it’s always been empty, tapi nyala. Kulkas segede itu cuma dia pake buat dispenser air sama es doang. He cut me off, and his tone… he never used that tone before.” Haven still remembered the awkward morning ride she had with Ramiel this morning, and when Ramiel dropped her in her office she didn’t even bother to kiss him goodbye. “Dia bilang, ‘nggak usah!’ and the tone was somehow… final. Intimidating. Commanding. Possessive? I dunno. As if I stepped into a line he expects me to never cross.”

“Lu selalu bilang kalau dia orangnya secretive, Ven.”

Haven membuang napas. Ramiel sempurna baginya, kecuali satu hal: he never tells her anything especially about his past. “Gue kira, orang pacaran itu ya kayak dua lingkaran yang beririsan, makin lama makin jadi satu. Tapi gue ngerasa ini irisannya dari dulu nggak pernah berubah porsinya, dan semakin kesini gue ngerasa lingkaran gue lebih kecil dari lingkaran dia dan yang beririsan masih dikit banget. Sementara lingkaran dia gede banget. He keeps a lot of things to himself… Especially his past in London. That, particularly. We can’t talk about it at all. Padahal gue pengen tahu gimana hidup dia di London dulu, secara itu salah satu kota impian gue…”

Julius listens intently, with unreadable expression on his face. He tries his best to stay neutral, eventho he knows he’ll always take Haven’s side. “Emang kalian communicatenya gimana?”

“We only talk about now and the future. I’ve told him a great deal about my past, tapi aku cuma tahu cerita masa kecilnya di Bandung doang. Yang di London tuh bener-bener kayak dihapus dari memori dia, deh. Bukan cuman gamau diceritain aja.”

Julius menghela nafas. “You have every reason to feel hurt and offended, Ven. But I’ve gotta say, men aren’t the best at handling feelings and emotions and stuff like that. Sometimes, pretending that some things never happened is easier. Maybe that’s the case. The fridge is just a trigger. I could be wrong tho, but I’m just trying to understand his perspective. Not saying that he’s right. He should never treat you that way.”

“Trus gue harus gimana, Jul? I swear, I don’t know how to face him. I was offended, but I’m too scared to ask him why. I feel like somehow… he’s fragile. And he will break the moment I ask.”

“Isn’t that good? That means he’ll crack open, and it’s not just good for him, but for your relationship as well. Being secretive never works in a relationship, Ven. It’s all about sharing lives with each other, no matter how awful the past is. To love is to learn —we learn to forgive, to understand, to accept a person. And it should be easier, knowing you love that person.”

“So… should I just wait? For him to finally crack? What if it takes him a lifetime? I don’t know if I can do that. I’m all about respecting his privacy but that somehow drives me to the edge —I feel like a stranger he tolerates on daily basis.”

“Menurut gue, dia harus tahu kalau his action hurts and offends you. Mulai dari sana dulu aja. If he truly cares, he will try to explain himself. Tapi elu-nya juga harus kepala dingin nanggepinnya. Kalau masih emosi, take some space and time dulu aja. He loves you, he will understand.”