“you know the house we grew up in; you wouldn’t knock you’d just walk in and stay up for hours talking to my mom.” lany — anything 4 u

https://open.spotify.com/track/4M1wfKr9MlDT2jVgDCMAnA?si=9f4145eed3cf4cf2

Miles is sitting on our kitchen counter, laughing at some stupid jokes my Madre says. His hand is busy wiping the wet plates with some microfiber cloth—making him the son of Madre’s dreams. After she had me, she had to bury her dreams of having another children due to her poor conditions.

Miles is her favorite. Bara and Kenzo are second and third, and then our resident cat, Mima, eventho she can’t hold her due to her allergy. I’m definitely last (but always first on Padre’s list).

“Ya udah, I’m going to bed. Kalian kalau mau nonton film jangan keras-keras suaranya yes, atau nonton aja di kamar Cea kalau mau berisik.”

Nonton aja di kamar Cea, katanya. Madre, lain kali tolong dijaga bicaranya—jangan bicara sesuatu yang membuat anak gadismu ini makin gundah gulana.

Miles mengambil snack dari kabinet pantry—he’s the best at making himself at home, really—lalu duduk di sebelahku sambil meraih remote TV. “Gue mau nonton Gadis Kretek. Lu belum nonton, kan?”

Aku menggeleng. I waited so I can watch it with you, jawabku dalam hati.

He smells like leather and iris—two very contradictive elements, yet somehow represent him very well. He’s tough, yet gentle. His protectiveness is laced with compassion. And above all, he cares—too much, sometimes.

“I saw him with another woman today, Se. Beda lagi sama yang kemarin.”

I stop paying attention to the movie in front of us. Disas’ voice is suddenly muted into oblivion, as I heard Miles’ voice. I should’ve known that watching a movie is just a way of him preparing himself before he breaks the news.

“Did you confront him?”

Miles tertawa pahit. “As if it ever works. He would just look at me like he never knew me, trus ngerangkul cewenya pergi. It happened before, it will happen again. And then, he’d beat me up at home. In front of my Mom.”

Aku mencari tangan Miles—and when I find that big, warm hand of him, I hold it tight.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

“Gue kepengen banget bawa Mama keluar dari rumah. Gue masih mengusahakan Mama mau cerai—but she’d never agree to it. For the sake of what, a promise she made to the dead? I wish I could wake up that old grandad from his grave and stop him from making my Mom promised to never leave that son of a bitch.”

I squeeze his hand harder.

“What can I do for you, Miles?”

He laughs bitterly as he rubs his nose on my shoulder. “I’m sorry for the trauma dump. Such a stupid way to close the day…” He takes off his glasses, and then he resides his head above my shoulder. Too close to my collarbones that I feel like they could snap anytime now. I can feel his breath above my skin—blame it on the sleeveless pajamas I chose to wear tonight.

I hope he couldn’t hear the whole marching band inside the chamber of my lungs right now. I hope he will never notice that the whole zoo inside my stomach is now awake and starts a circus.